Monthly Archives: February 2020

A Light Bulb Over My Head

brown framed light bulb
Photo by Skitterphoto on

I’m not going to go into it much here, but suffice it to say – I have issues. More than issues, I have entire magazine subscriptions. Conde Nast would look at me and say, “Damn!” In short, I have problems- as we all do.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been working on my “problems,” whether they were in quotes or otherwise. It took me many years to realize my “problems” I thought were mine were actually someone else’s. Once I ascertained what my actual problems were, I set out to fix myself with the kind of enthusiasm reserved for patching up the holes on a sinking ship or wrestling a mud-covered pig, so it doesn’t run into the house or fix a hole in a stocking right before a big interview.

I was determined to get to the root of what was wrong with me, to cut it out from the stem, bury it, and salt the Earth. I was determined to be a good person, a worthwhile person, and that couldn’t happen until I was whole, healed, and perfectly imperfect. To that end, I meditated, read books, listened to books, watched YouTube videos, signed up for courses, and did anything I could do to be the person I wanted to be. To be the person who can be loved, cherished, and successful. It wasn’t until recently, very recently, as in the last week that I realized I’ve been going about things the wrong way.

What do holes in the bottom of boats, muddy pigs in houses, and tears in stockings all have in common? They are bad things. I equated myself with things that were wrong. I wanted to fix myself, but you only fix things that are broken. The word “fix” and “heal” were interchangeable in my mind, but they’re not in reality. I saw a kintsugi bowl and saw myself as broken and using gold to fix the cracks, rather than seeing kintsugi for what it is – cracking something on purpose to creating golden cracks. One is fixing that is broken, and one is creating something new. One thing is a byproduct of an accident, and the other has purpose and agency. With me, the “fixing what is broken” narrative invoked the intimately familiar feeling of not being good enough. The other has the more alien yet comforting feeling of good.

My issues stem from long-standing trauma experienced both as a child, as a teen, and well into my adulthood. My life has been a never-ending tilt-a-whirl of stress where the ride might slowdown, but it never stops. And I need to heal myself from that, not fix myself. Healing suggests that I’m fine as I am – that is the case. It’s seeing what’s good about me, not what’s wrong with me. And I need to build on that good and treat myself with care and respect. If I see myself as good, then I just need to heal. I only need to uncover the layer of bullshit I’ve been under, rather than making something good out of the bullshit that I am. The new way of thinking invokes self-compassion. Self-compassion gives grace and patience.

I no longer need to ask myself what’s wrong with me, why can’t I “get over it,” why can’t I do what (insert name here) does? Because the answers are nothing is wrong with me, I need to adjust my approach to healing, and (insert name here) may not have the same baggage as me and/or that person goes about it differently. And maybe, because of my scars, I need to go about things a different way to accomplish the things I want to do.

I wouldn’t think badly of myself if I had a broken leg. I wouldn’t think anything was wrong with me. I wouldn’t be fundamentally flawed just because I tripped, and now my leg is in a cast. I wouldn’t snap at myself if I had to use crutches to get from Point A to Point B, and I wouldn’t think my walking sucked in comparison to a person whose leg is uninjured. And now, I realize those same principles apply to my mental health.

Spoilery Review: CAOS Part III



Okay, now that I’ve finished The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina Part III, I have some thoughts.




A word often used in television reviews that I never really liked is the word “uneven.” There were a couple of reasons. One, I didn’t share the opinion. If I liked something, overall, I liked it, and it was fine. If I didn’t like something, overall, then it wasn’t fine. Like with any television series, there are hits and misses, ups and downs, but I do get an overarching feeling about something which then makes it good or bad. Two, it just seemed wishy-washy. When it comes to politics, the human condition, psychology, communication, and critique, I am all about nuance. However, that all seems to jump out the window when it comes to television shows. I don’t know. I’ll have to analyze myself about that (among other things). I could pinpoint hits and misses but I always went with my overall impression. What does “uneven” mean? Well, all of that is in the past tense. I now understand completely because CAOS Part III is the epitome of “uneven.”

This season was all over the place. The world of the show expanded in a big way. There were deep dives into some interpersonal relationships, and an aspect of Sabrina’s character got a spotlight in a big way. All of these things are good. I enjoyed the conflict between the Satanic and Pagan witches and how it expanded the story-world and storytelling possibilities exponentially. I am enjoying the character development of Ambrose. He came into his own this season. Theo continues to be a badass. I like how his brave core is the engine of his development, and I like his relationship with Robin. I’m also intrigued by the development of (the real) Mary Wardwell. How she is dealing with coming back to her life in the middle of it. These things, among others, really made my heart pound with anticipation as I watched.

However, these great things were weighted down by others. I mentioned the singing in my previous post. There is no need for me to get into it again except to ask, WHY???? (Again) Prudence’s character development seemed to have taken a back seat, as did Hilda’s. A friend of mine mentioned he found Zelda to be a bit one-note. I didn’t agree, but I see his point this season. I honestly think this season is a turning point. It’s a set-up for bigger storylines coming down the pike. This season was also shorter than the previous two seasons. A shorter season plus multiple unnecessary musical numbers equal “uneven” to me.

Some quick hot-takes:

The Good:

  • The expansion of the Worldbuilding: highlighting the different types of witches and how they derive their powers. Witchcraft isn’t the exclusive realm of “the Devil.”
  • On that same note: The introduction of Maiden, Mother, Crone to Witch Lore, and the power therein. It makes sense, given the commentary on misogyny the show makes.
  • The Theo-Robin relationship. Representation is very important, and it was heartwarming to see a trans relationship on screen.
  • Theo-type bravery: He’s always going for it, and it doesn’t surprise me that Theo is the first of the “Fright Club” to lose his virginity on the show. Yes, Roz lost hers at Bible camp, but that is before the story opens.
  • Zelda and Mambo Marie
  • The introduction of the Triple Goddess

The Bad:

  • As previously mentioned, the singing. Again Why????
  • The loosey-goosey rules of magic. Members of the Church of Night were losing their powers and couldn’t do certain things until they had to do them to advance the plot. There were a few points where the coven did things to boost their waning abilities, but we never knew if it was a one-time thing or how long the effects would last. Because of this, the magic just seemed like sloppy writing.
  • The shorter season leaving less time to explore these big changes and what little time there is being taken up with the first bullet point.
  • Cheerleading

I know I have a lot of complaints about this season. However, I still enjoyed it, and I am looking forward to Part IV.

Please Stop Don’t The Music!


I love the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina!

I was impressed by the first season, and the second deepened my affection for the show. I just hope this third season doesn’t kill it.

I will have a longer post with my review of this entire season, but for now, I need to address a disturbing trend I am seeing.

For some reason, they’ve incorporated musical numbers into the episodes. Now, I do like a good musical number once in a while on a television show. I loved the (THE, as in ONE) musical episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I loved the (THE, as in ONE) musical episode of Lucifer. I heard rumors that Lucifer might have another musical number next season, but one per season isn’t bad. I even enjoyed the musical number during the last episode of CAOS during Season 2. However, for Season 3, CAOS has had them for two episodes in a row, sometimes multiple numbers, and they don’t fit into the storyline like Season 2’s number. Sure, one of the teaser trailers for this season was a music video, but I thought it was all in fun. I didn’t think it was the direction the show was going in. Why mess with perfection? According to some of the comments from the video, it appears the showrunners did the same on Riverdale. I have to take their word for it as I haven’t seen that show. Those same commenters also stated that’s when the show ended for them, but I don’t want the same to happen with me and CAOS.

Please don’t do this. Please stop the music.

I’m not above begging!