Okay, so now I am going to write the post I had planned for January 1st – sort of. I mentioned earlier that 2020 is completely different for me. I put into the Universe that I wanted change, and the Universe was like “Great! Here you go!” And that sums up what these first eleven days have been. In this last week alone, I’ve had personal and professional change. The two have been intertwined, one feeding into the other. I feel my soul rearranging itself in my body. It’s nerve-wracking, but not surprising. The set-up for this time had been happening in the last few months of 2019. I thought the last few months of 2018 was the breakdown and 2019 would be about building the new. Well, that turned out not to be true. Live long enough, and Life will prove you wrong.
And I am lucky in that way. I get to live, a lot of people don’t. Last month a former long-time friend passed away. Most of my feelings around that are muddy and complicated, but one thing is clear: a renewed sense of ownership over my life. That sense began forming itself before I learned of her death, recent events just cemented it. Events that are within my immediate sphere and without it, signaling change is in the air.
And, frankly, it scares me. It makes me uncomfortable. These feelings aren’t new. I’ve ended up in situations where these feelings we foisted upon me. I had no control. Now I am taking control. I am doing things, on purpose, that scare me and make me uncomfortable. Things that make me grow, and there is a blessing in that.
I want to be badass and carefree. I want to say, “2020 will be the year, and everything will be perfect!” I want to be totally self-assured about taking control of my life and steering it into new directions, but I simply can’t. Not at this particular time. Maybe it will happen tomorrow, next month, or this summer. I may not have (metaphorical) brass balls, but I do have a quiet yet persistent confidence. I am confident in my path and who I am as a person, which is already an improvement over previous years. Instead of fear stopping me, I’m letting it inform me. It’s a sign that I am growing out of my comfort zone. Ironically, feeling my fear is my comfort. And it gives me permission to be steady and careful as I blaze a new path